Today, I finally replaced the chain for a cross I've worn around my neck for probably the last five years. I broke the chain a month ago in a fit of range and anger and hurt. As you can imagine my tirade was against God and why he's letting these things happen in my life.
I guess putting the cross back around my neck is a sign of progress.
Last week, I had a ton of reasons to smile. I smiled because I was able to give Taylor a hug for the first time in months. I smiled because of the way he now says "yes ma'am" and "Yes sir." I smiled because I watched him at the National Infantry museum intently looking at the names of the soldiers who have made sacrifices for their country.
As I listened to Taylor talk, I realized also there will be moments of separation between us now. He will have experiences that I can never understand. He will have moments in the military that will be like things I have never gone through in my life.
For the first time in his life, I may be able to say I'm here, Mom will always be here, but there will be times when the person he needs to turn to for advice or a listening ear is not me, but one of the many veterans in our family.
His life will be his own now.
Even though he didn't say it, he enjoyed the museums and lunches that I picked out. When he was told mom had a day planned full of museums and a special lunch place he said, "It's mom, of course she has it planned."
Maybe at the age of 18, and in the military, he is old enough to appreciate the organizational skills I've always pushed.
When Zachary and I came back from the trip, I spend my Saturday with some of my best girlfriends (and my niece and sister in law) baking cookies, drinking sangria and laughing.
The gathering was my first official gathering in Uncle Ken's house. It was the first time I hosted an event for myself and not hosted for him. It was the first time I gathered friends of my own and said, "Make yourselves at home."
Sometimes it's hard to be here without his presence. That's the type of gathering he would have loved. The laughter and football in the background, the drinks being passed around, the teasing, all of it. I think it will be the first of many gatherings.
I also smiled, even though I cried today. I got a reminder in my email that tomorrow is Gina's birthday. I also pulled from the closet one of Uncle Ken's jackets that I used to wear in the chilly weather.
I've debated to wear it to work. It was always too big for me and always one of those things he kept because he knew I would never have a jacket.
The heartache is still there. Right now it's a dull roar instead of raging in my ear. I know that things will get worse, get harder before they get better.
For grief support group, every week I'm supposed to journal about a topic. This week's topic was. "where did i love to go with my loved one."
Maybe just for Gina's birthday I'll gather some friends, go to Olers and take a walk around Riverside Park.
I found my topic for National Novel Writing Month in November. It's a story that discusses heroin addiction and how it affects the people around us.
In the mean time, I meet with the editor of the magazine Thursday, so that I can start doing some freelance writing for next season.
I don't know why I chose such a hard topic, except, I do. It's my way of purging my pain and anger.
Progress isn't always a giant leap. Sometimes progress is as simple as a baby learning to pull itself up. Right now, I'm still learning to stand again.
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