Thursday, September 5, 2013
adventures and life lessons of a super-woman: What is normal life?
adventures and life lessons of a super-woman: What is normal life?: Every day on the way home from work, I watch a couple walk down the road hand in hand. I imagine various reasons for their daily walk, that ...
What is normal life?
Every day on the way home from work, I watch a couple walk down the road hand in hand. I imagine various reasons for their daily walk, that they've just gotten home from work and this is their every day routine to keep connected to each other. I imagine that they have kids, that are becoming teenagers and don't need them as much as they once did. I imagine them sharing with each other their thoughts, and commenting on the cars and passing countryside.
It's been creeping up on me lately. There are couples everywhere. Most of my friends are married, or soon to be. Even the ones that aren't have prospects and go on dates, or have someone to curl up with on a Friday evening.
On a recent Saturday night, that I sat at home alone reading, it dawned on me. I'm incredibly lonely. I don't have anyone to ask me how my day was, or to send me a text that says thinking of you. I don't have anyone that I can curl up with beside while I watch a horror movie.
Of course, my teenagers as I walk into the house and kick off my shoes always say "So mom, how was your day?" It's not the same, and I moderate my answers. Even simple things like cooking dinner together, are things that I notice other couples doing.
"Why are you single?" "You'll find the right one when the times right." "Your soulmate just isn't in small town Ohio, that's all." "You can be in a relationship and still be lonely." These are all things I've heard from people, and yet can't help but notice that the ones that say these things, have someone to help with the housework, or bills, or kids, or just sit there quietly at the end of the day.
"Why are you so grumpy lately? Smile.", I'm trying. See there's the loneliness, but there's also this added factor. Earlier this year I felt like my world was so big, so large. The possibilities were endless, I went abroad, and saw beautiful things. I served an internship doing something I loved. Now I'm back to a "meh" type of life. I work, I go to school, I take care of kids. I work extra because I have bills to pay, I study hard because it's my last semester. I take care of my kids, because they won't be around much longer.
I can only ignore the mother who only contacts me when she has bad news for so long. Her texts (yes, she delivers this news in texts because I'm ignoring her calls) often come at the most opportune times. At work, as I'm walking to lunch, when my co-workers have gotten me to smile for the first time all morning. She never asks how my day is, or why my posts are so gloomy lately. Honestly, even if she did, I wouldn't tell her. We don't have the type of relationship to talk about that stuff. (Actually, I don't have that type of relationship with anyone in my family, even my siblings, and often wished I did) All of the news she delivers, I know. I read about my cousins cancer on Facebook, I talk to my other cousin regularly because I miss him so much, and he tends to keep me informed. . My grandpa keeps things closer to his chest, but I've already told him that at his age, his choices are his own and I will support him every step of the way.
At work, I'm unfulfilled. Of course I appreciate having a job so that I can pay my bills, but I don't want to be there forever. As I inch creepingly slow to graduation (two months- two months) My mind whirls with what I can be. And then doubt creeps in, will I be able to be a writer? Am I good enough, talented enough, smart enough, tough enough? Will my kids hate me if I find a job across the country and rip them away from familiarity? Who will hire a rookie, fresh from college with only a couple of articles to show for her name? (My uncle says life is about networking, I keep asking if he's networked me any editors yet?)
Even at work, I am forced to realize often that I've somehow never grown out of the social awkwardness of the teenage years. The nitpicking and teasing sometimes bothers me. All too often I plaster a smile on my face and joke that they're giving me a complex. Yet in the moments I'm alone, I look in the mirror and realize, I indeed did spill something on myself, my hair is a wreck, and of course I'm not wearing makeup. I forgot to wake up and attempt to be a "real girl." Or, I guess maybe it was early when I woke up for work, and I felt my coffee and making sure I got there on time was more important.
It's all of these things and so much more. It's the bills that I'm struggling with because I'm by myself. It's the moments when I speak and am told 15 times that I need to speak up because I talk too softly, only to yell and be told I'm always loud. It's the spilled crock pot on the seat and floor of my car, when I worked so hard on a dish and was impressed with myself for getting it done, while cleaning house and doing schoolwork. It's the trip and fall because of a loose step that I have no idea how to repair. It's the desire to be like Hemingway, and realizing that even as a writer he was married multiple times. It's wanting to tell the world about a sweet special little girl, and starting the story only to realize, everyone is talking over me.
It's sending Justin back to college, and realizing that I was right when I told him he had to do it himself, but realizing how much my kids have lost out on because they've only had me.
I've tried to talk to people, to get things off my chest. When I do that I only feel like I'm whining about how bad my life is, and that's not really the case. I feel like I'm alone in a cave, when I speak my own voice echos back to me, and it sounds forlorn. So I came to the one place that I know I can be heard, the one place that gets it. I came to the blank page.
It's been creeping up on me lately. There are couples everywhere. Most of my friends are married, or soon to be. Even the ones that aren't have prospects and go on dates, or have someone to curl up with on a Friday evening.
On a recent Saturday night, that I sat at home alone reading, it dawned on me. I'm incredibly lonely. I don't have anyone to ask me how my day was, or to send me a text that says thinking of you. I don't have anyone that I can curl up with beside while I watch a horror movie.
Of course, my teenagers as I walk into the house and kick off my shoes always say "So mom, how was your day?" It's not the same, and I moderate my answers. Even simple things like cooking dinner together, are things that I notice other couples doing.
"Why are you single?" "You'll find the right one when the times right." "Your soulmate just isn't in small town Ohio, that's all." "You can be in a relationship and still be lonely." These are all things I've heard from people, and yet can't help but notice that the ones that say these things, have someone to help with the housework, or bills, or kids, or just sit there quietly at the end of the day.
"Why are you so grumpy lately? Smile.", I'm trying. See there's the loneliness, but there's also this added factor. Earlier this year I felt like my world was so big, so large. The possibilities were endless, I went abroad, and saw beautiful things. I served an internship doing something I loved. Now I'm back to a "meh" type of life. I work, I go to school, I take care of kids. I work extra because I have bills to pay, I study hard because it's my last semester. I take care of my kids, because they won't be around much longer.
I can only ignore the mother who only contacts me when she has bad news for so long. Her texts (yes, she delivers this news in texts because I'm ignoring her calls) often come at the most opportune times. At work, as I'm walking to lunch, when my co-workers have gotten me to smile for the first time all morning. She never asks how my day is, or why my posts are so gloomy lately. Honestly, even if she did, I wouldn't tell her. We don't have the type of relationship to talk about that stuff. (Actually, I don't have that type of relationship with anyone in my family, even my siblings, and often wished I did) All of the news she delivers, I know. I read about my cousins cancer on Facebook, I talk to my other cousin regularly because I miss him so much, and he tends to keep me informed. . My grandpa keeps things closer to his chest, but I've already told him that at his age, his choices are his own and I will support him every step of the way.
At work, I'm unfulfilled. Of course I appreciate having a job so that I can pay my bills, but I don't want to be there forever. As I inch creepingly slow to graduation (two months- two months) My mind whirls with what I can be. And then doubt creeps in, will I be able to be a writer? Am I good enough, talented enough, smart enough, tough enough? Will my kids hate me if I find a job across the country and rip them away from familiarity? Who will hire a rookie, fresh from college with only a couple of articles to show for her name? (My uncle says life is about networking, I keep asking if he's networked me any editors yet?)
Even at work, I am forced to realize often that I've somehow never grown out of the social awkwardness of the teenage years. The nitpicking and teasing sometimes bothers me. All too often I plaster a smile on my face and joke that they're giving me a complex. Yet in the moments I'm alone, I look in the mirror and realize, I indeed did spill something on myself, my hair is a wreck, and of course I'm not wearing makeup. I forgot to wake up and attempt to be a "real girl." Or, I guess maybe it was early when I woke up for work, and I felt my coffee and making sure I got there on time was more important.
It's all of these things and so much more. It's the bills that I'm struggling with because I'm by myself. It's the moments when I speak and am told 15 times that I need to speak up because I talk too softly, only to yell and be told I'm always loud. It's the spilled crock pot on the seat and floor of my car, when I worked so hard on a dish and was impressed with myself for getting it done, while cleaning house and doing schoolwork. It's the trip and fall because of a loose step that I have no idea how to repair. It's the desire to be like Hemingway, and realizing that even as a writer he was married multiple times. It's wanting to tell the world about a sweet special little girl, and starting the story only to realize, everyone is talking over me.
It's sending Justin back to college, and realizing that I was right when I told him he had to do it himself, but realizing how much my kids have lost out on because they've only had me.
I've tried to talk to people, to get things off my chest. When I do that I only feel like I'm whining about how bad my life is, and that's not really the case. I feel like I'm alone in a cave, when I speak my own voice echos back to me, and it sounds forlorn. So I came to the one place that I know I can be heard, the one place that gets it. I came to the blank page.
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