I'm overdue for a blog post. I'm aware of this.
I don't always know how to talk about these things without backtracking to when I started this blog.
When I started this blog, I was so excited for my future. I was a mom, a student, an intern, an employee and I was juggling all of those things so well and discovering so many new and exciting things along the way.
Then I was a reporter, and I was living my dream of writing for a living.
Then, life happened.
I have said over and over that the last two years of my life have been my darkest days, my darkest period. I havent always known how to reach out and say "someone help me" an in fact I'm normally very bad at it.
This isn't a sad post though, it's a happy one. I'm only talking about the dark things because I need to talk about the panic attacks that happened because of that.
I've always been the type of person that if I was hurting, I shut down and shut people out. I refused to talk about my problems, my sadness, the aches. I tried to fill the hours with work, so that I didn't have to think about the hurting and sadness.
Only, finally those things caught up with me and one day I couldn't breath. I couldn't leave my driveway. I couldn't do all of the million things that I used to do without thinking about them.
I slept for days on end, and sat in my car one night trying to convince myself to simply pull out of the driveway to go see friends. Even that wasn't possible.
I guess for the first time, I'm not ashamed to say that I am in counseling. I'm not ashamed to say that I needed help to get me over the hump. I'm not ashamed to say that I started reaching out to my friends and saying I"m sorry for the times I've shut them out, because I really didn't realize I was doing it.
I am proud to say that I finally have found some light. I finally have found some hope.
My life has been constant change and upheaval the last two years. All of those changes were destructive to me. Now I'm making changes that are positive. Changes that will allow me to grow.
Through counseling, I started resetting goals. What are the things I want to do with my life?
1. I want to write for a living. One way or the other. That dream may be slow but it is and always has been my number one goal.
2. I want to help teach literacy. I didn't realize that was a goal untilw
3. I want to have many adventures an travel.
4. I want to take a graphic art an design class.
5. I want to have people who love me.
I guess I always had number five, but when you're hurting sometimes you feel like no one else in the world can understand that pain.
This past week, I can honestly say was the best week I have had in those two years.
I got my certification to teach adult literacy and I meet my first student tomorrow.
I'm writing for "This Is Findlay" Magazine
This past week I went on three adventures!
I went to the Columbus Museum to see the Picasso exhibit, I went to Kirtland for the Vintage Wine Festival, and I went to Fort Wayne to the Zoo.
And yes, two of these adventures were with a special new friend, but I won't discuss that until I'm good and ready, other than to say he is an incredibly sweet person.
Two months ago none of this would have been possible. Two months ago, I had forgotten who I am.
But now I remember.
I remember that I am a person with dreams. I am a person with goals. I am a person who is not happy unless they are meeting people and trying to explore the outer world.
I know that normally my blog posts are filled with descriptions of the places I've been. They're normally filled with suggestions of adventures you should try.
This post wasn't really about my adventures though.
This post was about having your chest feel literally heavy because of the darkness and then finding a tiny spot of light and pushing that light until it's bigger. Until you can see the world again
I know who I was in all of the "befores" before the last two years and I know who I have been these last two years. I know I'm growing and changing.
I think I'm going to like the woman I become, because I'm working so hard to become her.
By the way, the Picasso exhibit it worth it, if you make it and it's only there until the end of September. So, I would still highly recommend it.
