Monday, September 21, 2015
adventures and life lessons of a super-woman: Baby steps.
adventures and life lessons of a super-woman: Baby steps.: Progress means different things to different people. Some people mark their progress by setting goals for months ahead and achieving them. S...
Baby steps.
Progress means different things to different people. Some people mark their progress by setting goals for months ahead and achieving them. Some people mark their progress in pictures. I'm learning to measure my progress in how I feel today, and what made me smile today.
Today, I finally replaced the chain for a cross I've worn around my neck for probably the last five years. I broke the chain a month ago in a fit of range and anger and hurt. As you can imagine my tirade was against God and why he's letting these things happen in my life.
I guess putting the cross back around my neck is a sign of progress.
Last week, I had a ton of reasons to smile. I smiled because I was able to give Taylor a hug for the first time in months. I smiled because of the way he now says "yes ma'am" and "Yes sir." I smiled because I watched him at the National Infantry museum intently looking at the names of the soldiers who have made sacrifices for their country.
As I listened to Taylor talk, I realized also there will be moments of separation between us now. He will have experiences that I can never understand. He will have moments in the military that will be like things I have never gone through in my life.
For the first time in his life, I may be able to say I'm here, Mom will always be here, but there will be times when the person he needs to turn to for advice or a listening ear is not me, but one of the many veterans in our family.
His life will be his own now.
Even though he didn't say it, he enjoyed the museums and lunches that I picked out. When he was told mom had a day planned full of museums and a special lunch place he said, "It's mom, of course she has it planned."
Maybe at the age of 18, and in the military, he is old enough to appreciate the organizational skills I've always pushed.
When Zachary and I came back from the trip, I spend my Saturday with some of my best girlfriends (and my niece and sister in law) baking cookies, drinking sangria and laughing.
The gathering was my first official gathering in Uncle Ken's house. It was the first time I hosted an event for myself and not hosted for him. It was the first time I gathered friends of my own and said, "Make yourselves at home."
Sometimes it's hard to be here without his presence. That's the type of gathering he would have loved. The laughter and football in the background, the drinks being passed around, the teasing, all of it. I think it will be the first of many gatherings.
I also smiled, even though I cried today. I got a reminder in my email that tomorrow is Gina's birthday. I also pulled from the closet one of Uncle Ken's jackets that I used to wear in the chilly weather.
I've debated to wear it to work. It was always too big for me and always one of those things he kept because he knew I would never have a jacket.
The heartache is still there. Right now it's a dull roar instead of raging in my ear. I know that things will get worse, get harder before they get better.
For grief support group, every week I'm supposed to journal about a topic. This week's topic was. "where did i love to go with my loved one."
Maybe just for Gina's birthday I'll gather some friends, go to Olers and take a walk around Riverside Park.
I found my topic for National Novel Writing Month in November. It's a story that discusses heroin addiction and how it affects the people around us.
In the mean time, I meet with the editor of the magazine Thursday, so that I can start doing some freelance writing for next season.
I don't know why I chose such a hard topic, except, I do. It's my way of purging my pain and anger.
Progress isn't always a giant leap. Sometimes progress is as simple as a baby learning to pull itself up. Right now, I'm still learning to stand again.
Today, I finally replaced the chain for a cross I've worn around my neck for probably the last five years. I broke the chain a month ago in a fit of range and anger and hurt. As you can imagine my tirade was against God and why he's letting these things happen in my life.
I guess putting the cross back around my neck is a sign of progress.
Last week, I had a ton of reasons to smile. I smiled because I was able to give Taylor a hug for the first time in months. I smiled because of the way he now says "yes ma'am" and "Yes sir." I smiled because I watched him at the National Infantry museum intently looking at the names of the soldiers who have made sacrifices for their country.
As I listened to Taylor talk, I realized also there will be moments of separation between us now. He will have experiences that I can never understand. He will have moments in the military that will be like things I have never gone through in my life.
For the first time in his life, I may be able to say I'm here, Mom will always be here, but there will be times when the person he needs to turn to for advice or a listening ear is not me, but one of the many veterans in our family.
His life will be his own now.
Even though he didn't say it, he enjoyed the museums and lunches that I picked out. When he was told mom had a day planned full of museums and a special lunch place he said, "It's mom, of course she has it planned."
Maybe at the age of 18, and in the military, he is old enough to appreciate the organizational skills I've always pushed.
When Zachary and I came back from the trip, I spend my Saturday with some of my best girlfriends (and my niece and sister in law) baking cookies, drinking sangria and laughing.
The gathering was my first official gathering in Uncle Ken's house. It was the first time I hosted an event for myself and not hosted for him. It was the first time I gathered friends of my own and said, "Make yourselves at home."
Sometimes it's hard to be here without his presence. That's the type of gathering he would have loved. The laughter and football in the background, the drinks being passed around, the teasing, all of it. I think it will be the first of many gatherings.
I also smiled, even though I cried today. I got a reminder in my email that tomorrow is Gina's birthday. I also pulled from the closet one of Uncle Ken's jackets that I used to wear in the chilly weather.
I've debated to wear it to work. It was always too big for me and always one of those things he kept because he knew I would never have a jacket.
The heartache is still there. Right now it's a dull roar instead of raging in my ear. I know that things will get worse, get harder before they get better.
For grief support group, every week I'm supposed to journal about a topic. This week's topic was. "where did i love to go with my loved one."
Maybe just for Gina's birthday I'll gather some friends, go to Olers and take a walk around Riverside Park.
I found my topic for National Novel Writing Month in November. It's a story that discusses heroin addiction and how it affects the people around us.
In the mean time, I meet with the editor of the magazine Thursday, so that I can start doing some freelance writing for next season.
I don't know why I chose such a hard topic, except, I do. It's my way of purging my pain and anger.
Progress isn't always a giant leap. Sometimes progress is as simple as a baby learning to pull itself up. Right now, I'm still learning to stand again.
Friday, September 11, 2015
A journey of life
As people, we define adventure as something exciting that we can't wait to do. Often adventures are to places we've never been, are fun and involve things we've never done before.
I had always defined my life as an adventure, mostly because I never knew quite where the road would take me, but I always knew I'd have fun.
When we think of journey's, we think of Frodo on Lord of the Rings (yes I just outed my geekiness). On journeys there are challenges and things we must overcome to accomplish a goal.
In the movies, that journey leads to the hero saving the world from disaster. In life, it's not quite that simple.
In life, I think the journey is to figure out how to not just survive, but thrive. Figuring out your emotions and ambitions and goals and what it really is you want from life is a journey. Part of the journey is figuring out what you don't want.
With that being said, as part of my journey I'm in a grief support group. Through there I am learning that my grief is my own, my grief is unique to what other people may be feeling because the relationship I had with each person, was my own. I'm learning that I'm not crazy when I wake up every day and obsessively clean or bake.
I'm learning that there is no time limit for how long I may grieve. I have to find my own path.
Some of what I'm grieving for, isn't just the people I lost, but lost dreams and opportunities. I'm grieving for what I knew and what I thought I knew.
During grief group, they told me that while my dreams of traveling are currently on hold, I still need to find a way to make that happen. That I have to remember that I had dreams too.
Next week, Taylor will graduate basic training. I'm traveling with Zachary and the boy's dad to attend that graduation in Georgia. After his graduation, Taylor will travel to his next duty station, where he will be for 19 weeks.
I already know it's going to be hard on me. Last week Taylor called home and I cried and cried. I cried when he asked who was coming to graduation, and it was me his dad and brother. See, at one time me and Uncle Ken had talked about taking the trip together. It will be a bitter sweet week.
This morning I talked to my grandpa. A man whose wisdom I normally trust. I told him the shortened version of the story of my life over the last couple of months. I told him about me taking over the house my uncle left and how I miss working for a paper and writing everyday. Grandpa said. "As long as it felt right at the time."
Grandpa tells me to trust my gut a lot, he doesn't say it in those words exactly, but I know it's what he means. He also gives me directions. Which is grandpa's way of showing love.
Last weekend, I spent time with my brother and sis in law. As my baby brother asked me questions and remembered where the house is that he grew up in and remembered small details like us walking up an alley to a movie rental store, I smiled.
He had some good memories. That makes me feel better and lets me know I wasn't always a rotten big sis. He's just become such a big part of my life.
The day after I get back from Georgia, I planned a girl's baking day for some of my best friends. I told them we need a day where we drink sangria and bake and listen to music and discuss everything in life. I have discovered over the last few months that I need them.
I'm trying to look at the positives these days. Not working at the paper and having a set schedule will allow me to take that graphic art and design class I've wanted to take for the last two years. It will offer me an opportunity to take some more adult education classes and continue learning new things.
I also plan to participate in National Novel Writing Month in November, although right now I'm still trying to figure out what I'll write about. There's also the fact that magazine writing is and has been my favorite type of writing and I'll have more time to do that.
The next time I sit down at this blog, I'll have had an adventure along the journey that is my life. Maybe I'm not trying to save the world, but trying to save myself is just as important.
I had always defined my life as an adventure, mostly because I never knew quite where the road would take me, but I always knew I'd have fun.
When we think of journey's, we think of Frodo on Lord of the Rings (yes I just outed my geekiness). On journeys there are challenges and things we must overcome to accomplish a goal.
In the movies, that journey leads to the hero saving the world from disaster. In life, it's not quite that simple.
In life, I think the journey is to figure out how to not just survive, but thrive. Figuring out your emotions and ambitions and goals and what it really is you want from life is a journey. Part of the journey is figuring out what you don't want.
With that being said, as part of my journey I'm in a grief support group. Through there I am learning that my grief is my own, my grief is unique to what other people may be feeling because the relationship I had with each person, was my own. I'm learning that I'm not crazy when I wake up every day and obsessively clean or bake.
I'm learning that there is no time limit for how long I may grieve. I have to find my own path.
Some of what I'm grieving for, isn't just the people I lost, but lost dreams and opportunities. I'm grieving for what I knew and what I thought I knew.
During grief group, they told me that while my dreams of traveling are currently on hold, I still need to find a way to make that happen. That I have to remember that I had dreams too.
Next week, Taylor will graduate basic training. I'm traveling with Zachary and the boy's dad to attend that graduation in Georgia. After his graduation, Taylor will travel to his next duty station, where he will be for 19 weeks.
I already know it's going to be hard on me. Last week Taylor called home and I cried and cried. I cried when he asked who was coming to graduation, and it was me his dad and brother. See, at one time me and Uncle Ken had talked about taking the trip together. It will be a bitter sweet week.
This morning I talked to my grandpa. A man whose wisdom I normally trust. I told him the shortened version of the story of my life over the last couple of months. I told him about me taking over the house my uncle left and how I miss working for a paper and writing everyday. Grandpa said. "As long as it felt right at the time."
Grandpa tells me to trust my gut a lot, he doesn't say it in those words exactly, but I know it's what he means. He also gives me directions. Which is grandpa's way of showing love.
Last weekend, I spent time with my brother and sis in law. As my baby brother asked me questions and remembered where the house is that he grew up in and remembered small details like us walking up an alley to a movie rental store, I smiled.
He had some good memories. That makes me feel better and lets me know I wasn't always a rotten big sis. He's just become such a big part of my life.
The day after I get back from Georgia, I planned a girl's baking day for some of my best friends. I told them we need a day where we drink sangria and bake and listen to music and discuss everything in life. I have discovered over the last few months that I need them.
I'm trying to look at the positives these days. Not working at the paper and having a set schedule will allow me to take that graphic art and design class I've wanted to take for the last two years. It will offer me an opportunity to take some more adult education classes and continue learning new things.
I also plan to participate in National Novel Writing Month in November, although right now I'm still trying to figure out what I'll write about. There's also the fact that magazine writing is and has been my favorite type of writing and I'll have more time to do that.
The next time I sit down at this blog, I'll have had an adventure along the journey that is my life. Maybe I'm not trying to save the world, but trying to save myself is just as important.
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