This year..well that's loaded. As I'm writing this, we are currently waiting for results of a contentious election. More about that later.
For now, let's just collectively take a deep breath before we reflect.
Okay, now, let's start.
I started 2020 wildly different. As I donned my pink, feather skirt; curled my hair, did my makeup, I had such high hopes. At midnight, at the Great Gatsby party at The Jones Mansion, my boyfriend kissed me and shortly after we decided my tipsy self needed to go home.
I was content. I was ready to take on the year. I had accomplished every 2019 goal, and then some. I had started Graduate School, made a new friend, published my book, hit my goal weight. I was on top of everything. My 5K run time was perfect for me.
I had plans for 2020. I was going to conquer 2020 too. My goals were to compete in my first Savage Race, finish a half-marathon, go to Cuba. I had one author event per month planned out. My goal to sell at least 100 books, book sales mean the story is being told. If we made it to a year, the "move in together" talk was supposed to happen. (Look, in fairness, I know you're not supposed to set deadlines in relationships, but time management, and all that.)
The year started off on the right note. I had book events planned, one per month. I was training hard, sometimes almost two hours a day. I went to Spain, saw my family again, walked miles and miles, saw wonderful landmarks. Then, on March 11th, we came back to the United States, with Covid spreading, and on my birthday, March 13th the state shut down.
Alas, 2020. My Savage Race was cancelled, but it became a 14 day "anywhere challenge." My half marathon, went virtual. Cuba clearly didn't happen, and as of today, I'm sitting at 89 books sold, and haven't done a book event since my virtual one in April. Oh, and that relationship ended too.
But, even in my disappointments, there are lessons. There are things I've learned about myself this year. There are things I've learned about other people. There are things I've learned about the need for community and education.
When the state shut down, I spent two weeks isolated, making dark jokes about the situation. I really hadn't taken it seriously, even though I was sick. (Testing was not available, I was jetlagged, there had been a weather change, and I always get sick at that time of year, so no. I don't know.) After my two weeks isolated, I went to Fort Wayne to spend two weeks. Everything was so uncertain. I was scared, and trying to rationalize everything. I was doing anxiety cleaning. Probably, none of that was good for a relationship- especially on top of issues we had pushed aside in Spain.
I won't walk you minute by minute through the things that happened. But as I settled into the idea that it could be a long spring, I went to Vermont (socially distanced, and just as isolated as I am at home.) I worked there for a week. It was supposed to be two, but alas, I had things to deal with at home.
Unbeknownst to me, while I was making that long trek back from Vermont to Ohio, 2020 was about to change even more dramatically with the death of a man named George Floyd.
I wont go into that here. If you know me, if you've read my blog, you know my stance. This is about reflection, goals and growth.
That relationship lasted about another two weeks. I wasn't sure. Did 2020 just have me beat?
But no. It didn't not really. See, I had taken advantage of this time to work from home. To go on an adventure where I was only around one person, and nature. I had ideas for new projects. I was still doing well in school (look, even after quantitative data my 4.0 remains unbroken). I was taking new leadership classes through work, and sharing my learning with every new idea they presented.
I mulled for a few weeks. I attended some protests. I interviewed protesters. I took pictures. I got insight. I read. Oh the books I've read this year.
The Savage Anywhere Race that got cancelled? It turned into a virtual "Anywhere Challenge." In some ways, it was more challenging mentally. I didnt have a crowd or a team to cheer me on to the finish, or to help pull me up. I had to get up alone, on my own to do it. There was no one forcing me, no one helping me. I could have pushed my registration fee to next year, but I didn't. I completed it. It wasn't perfect, but it was my accomplishment.
The half marathon that went virtual? I ended up reconnecting with an old friend I hadn't seen in years, who was also going through some life transitions. One of my BFFs was there. At the end, when I was tired, and wanted to give up, those ladies pushed me. I cried at the end.
So, I didn't sell 100 books, or have a book even every month. I managed to hit 89, and there is still one virtual book fair left this year. In fact, the one I started with last year at the Findlay-Hancock Library. I didn't write for fame or fortune. I write stories that I believe deserve to be told. Writing will always be my first love .
Cuba? The trip is still paid for, and when the world reopens, I will be right there to dance, to see Hemingway's Cuba home, to eat. I will be right there to listen to the stories of the Cuban people, and maybe by then my Spanish will be better. (Look, it's a work in progress. I practice every day.)
The relationship? Honestly, I'm not angry. We just weren't a good fit. I'm a bit of a wild butterfly. I need to be free to be flighty, to run off on adventures, to have days buried in my writing, where I don't talk to anyone. And if we're being honest, there is someone in my life, but I'm not ready to talk about who, so I'll talk about what.
We have interesting conversations, about everything- God and religion, vulnerability, leadership, community. He thinks I'm really smart and I laugh at that. I'm just well-read and well-experienced. On the other hand, he did something no one I've ever dated was able to do. He planned an entire trip. He took the entire thing out of my hands, and planned every detail. (Hocking Hills for a weekend). He did it because he didn't want me to be sad about Labor Day weekend, and saw how hard I had been working. The trip went....smooth. Color my control freaked self shocked. He says things like "I know you need time alone." (I'm alone writing this.) He says things like "I understand if you want to go away for a week." He learned how to cook Keto, and I didn't know that he had downloaded Duolingo to start learning Spanish. OH and he bought me a political book! In return for all of this, I have to let him teach me to fish.
We're working on the trust thing. We're working on that vulnerability thing. He isn't rushing me though. He knows that I think about leaving this area. That I say Findlay isn't my forever home. He accepts that. He says he doesn't want to clip my wings. I joke all the time that maybe it's a pandemic fling. Maybe it is, but as a friend recently pointed out, "Is he caring for you? Is he making you happy right now? Maybe that's a lesson there. Relationships don't need to be goaled out with timelines on them.
I worked as an election worker for the first time this year. I had been on the other side before, as a journalist. I think that working an election and learning about our democracy is something every person should do once in their life. I think every person should have the experience, so they understand.
I will be volunteering for a different organization this year, helping with their communications. Ranked Choice Voting is the wave of the future, and something I believe in. I plan to put my actions where my mouth is.
I've always actively volunteered. (I know. You guys don't knw that because I don't talk about it. I don't talk about it because to me it's deeply private. I volunteer when I have time, for things I believe in. I keep it private except for a few people because, I think it should be about the experience. I hope that makes sense.)
One of the lessons I am taking from 2020 is that we are always so busy that sometimes we forget to reflect. We forget to reflect on our actions, how we can improve. We forget to reflect on our communities, and how we can make them better. We forget to reflect on our we can make an impact in someone's life, or what new things we can learn. 2020 is a reset button for a lot of us. It showed many of us cracks that we didn't realize were there.
Slow down. I know no one wants to hear that. The rushing we've been doing, it isn't normal. It isn't healthy. We don't have to fill every minute of our day with work, or people. We need time with our families. We need time to ourselves.
So, when I sat here last night with no idea what to type as I looked at my yearly goals, all I could do was laugh. A year seemed too big, too overwhelming. Look at how everything has changed this year. Honestly, Covid won't be done this year, and who knows when it will be. So we have to be ready to adapt, sometimes with short notice.
In leadership class today, they were discussing looking at the 300 meter, vs the 10 meter. The 300 meter is long. Yes, the 10 meter isn't long term. It's a shorter distance, a shorter sprint (I'm also learning about Agile in class this week, so this is beautiful). It dawned on me that I don't need to make yearly goals right now. I need to be able to "OODA." Observe, Orient, Decide, Act.
I can however; make some "10 meter" goals. For 2020, that translates to three months.
I will finish my current Agile class with my 4.0 intact. I will help create a communications plan for Rank the Vote Ohio. I will start working with a mentor to help me understand the career path I am prepared to take, and how to get there. I will read one educational, and one fun book a week. I will pass that education on to people when I can. I will continue to try to connect community members with other people who may need to learn a skill, or have a shared interest. I will work out at least four days a week, although- the last two weeks, I am proud to say I'm back up to five. I will relax, and see where this thing goes.
I won't plan any big trips for now. I won't plan any big goals for now. It's not the time.
