During the pandemic, I took a leadership class. The class
was about more than leadership. It was about being able to pivot in hard times
and adjust to be your best self. They taught us the art of the brain dump,
which I still sometimes use when I am trying to figure something out.
That time was today. It has been a long time since I sat to
write, more than a year in fact. When I last sat to write. At that time, I was
writing all of my goals for 2023. I didn’t have many big goals for 2022,
because I figured that a graduation, and job change and move were plenty for
one year. For 2023 I wanted to go BIG. So, I made big goals.
I am here to tell you; I failed every single goal. I didn’t
do a half marathon. I didn’t crotchet a blanket. I didn’t practice my Spanish frequently.
And I’ve struggled at work a lot. The goals were too big, too broad, with no “why”
and no “how.”
Before I think about 2024 goals, I have to think about where
2023 went wrong. That’s where the brain dump exercise comes in.
I ended 2022 with Eric, and some good friends, watching the
fireworks over Alexandria. But two days later, I kicked off the new year with
covid. It finally caught up with me after three years. I took my time to recover,
and tried to give myself grace. Weeks later it was a challenge to get back into
regular workouts and keep my breathing in check.
Winter came and went quickly. Eric went back on the road
around February, after being home for a few months. It was hard to get into a
routine while trying to figure out in office days that weren’t consistent. I
started a new role, with new things to learn.
And did I mention, peri-menopause- that thing that no one
ever talks about? Whether women don’t talk about this out of shame, or
embarrassment. This is something that we
definitely need to start discussing with our groups of friends. Not just the
hot flashes, but the late and early and missed periods. The brain fog and forgetfulness,
the increased anxiety, and waking up at 3 am. Most importantly, how we can
advocate for ourselves with our doctor, and some treatments they may be able to
offer.
All of those things happened, and I lost focus. The goals were
too big, and not specific enough, and I forgot my “why” in some cases.
But I think there’s more.
At the end of my brainstorming exercise today, I was sitting
on the floor crying. All of those things
that happened are true and played a part. There is a bigger piece though. I let
myself get complacent.
I’ve spent my whole life, thinking that if I performed well,
if I am good enough, funny enough, smart enough, I would finally deserve to be
loved. When you’re constantly reaching, and striving, and trying to be perfect
enough for someone, and then you have someone who seems to love you no matter
what—maybe It’s a challenge. Maybe there’s a little “well prove it. Prove that
you love me even if I’m not perfect.”
I’ve spent years and a ton of money in therapy, trying to be
an emotionally healthy person. Sometimes it’s a hard reminder that life is two
steps forward, and three steps back. I need to learn to reconcile the ambitious,
and goal oriented self- with the emotionally healthy person who knows she doesn’t
need to reach perfection to be worthy of love. Maybe, those two parts need to
learn to live in harmony.
Maybe that’s another therapy bill.
I also had some things go right this year. I had so many
adventures, both with Eric and without. I have traveled, and seen new places. I've learned a lot about ADHD this year, and systems to help.
Now that I’ve evaluated 2023, it’s time to start getting
ready for 2024, and to remember: specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time
bound.
1.
I want to be more consistent with working out. This
means working out for one hour, five days a week, before working in the morning.
(I’ve been consistent the last month and that helps). I have more focus and
less anxiety when I work out. Stay consistent.
2.
I need to go back to doing Duolingo regularly. I
need to also find a speaking group to practice at least biweekly. I want to
speak well and understand. I want to be able to communicate with my family, and
be able to travel with ease.
3.
I need to improve at work. This means I need to take
at least one professional development class to strengthen my skills.
4.
I need to recognize that I am worthy of love—without
meeting my goals, but that my goals are for me to improve myself and be the
best version of myself.
5.
I like crocheting because it makes me feel close
to my granny. I will sit down once a month to crotchet. – and we will see if it
becomes a blanket.
6.
Have more adventure. See more places. Go somewhere
I’ve never been!
7.
BREATH
