Finding Myself at Forty
WHAT are you doing? Why isn’t your life on track? Why haven’t
you accomplished all of the goals you had planned for your “by the next decade
goals?” As I watch my peer group and friends of similar ages, get married, have
families, and start new careers and businesses, I find myself floundering and pushing
myself harder to define myself.
That is the constant stream of consciousness that runs
through my normally placid brain. (That’s a lie. Anyone that has ever spent time
with me knows there has probably never been and peaceful day in my whole mind or
body. If ever I suddenly seem placid, please know that medications for ADHD,
OCD and anxiety have probably finally been forced down a very unwilling throat)
So with my birthday upcoming in a few months, the unspeakable
birthday, the birthday that will jump me into the next decade of my life, the
thought of “What are you doing with your life,” is a constant refrain in the
back of my head.
When I was 20, I thought that 40 was old. At the age of 30, I
had a small freak out, thinking I needed to be married and settled and have a
family. After the short-lived marriage, I decided to focus on school and the
remaining years of my boys’ childhood.
I did manage to accomplish things in my 30s. I graduated
college, I wrote for and continue to write for a magazine, I’ve managed to do
some traveling. All three of my boys graduated high school. I started a new
career, and earned a couple new certificates along the way.
I’ve had my share of tragedies in my 30s. I’ve lost people
that meant the world to me, and disconnected from people who only look out for
number one, or whose trustworthiness is questionable. Through all of this, I’ve
grown as a person.
The friends I have made in my 30s, I know will be
lifelongers. They will be people that even at 80, I will remember and share
laughter with.
I have been told by several people that holding myself to a
year mark, a decade mark, and questioning why I haven’t accomplished certain
goals yet, is not fair to myself. It’s been repeated to me that some goals come
in time. I’ve been reassured that life is complicated, and with those
complications, sometimes come delays and setbacks.
My recent adventure and journey to both Vegas and Miami,
both allowed me to say some much needed goodbyes. Goodbye to guilt, goodbye to
constantly blaming myself, goodbye to never being sure of myself, or thinking I’m
good enough. New opportunities and new doors presented themselves, but some of
those left me more uncertain of what the correct life path is.
I spent time alone, exploring new places, and meeting people
from all walks of life. I met a woman from Spain who said she went to Vegas for
a visit, and fell in love with how much there was to do, and the cost of
living.
In both Vegas and Miami, I fell in love with the diversity,
the adventure, the lights, the sense that I would never have time to bored. I
fell in love with the people, and the spirit.
I saw art, and nature, and beauty everywhere.
I spent time with people who are amazing and successful, and
filled with goals and ideas. Some of these people are related to me. These
people are innovative, creative, and driven.
When I came home, of course I went through the post-vacation
blues. Life had been so filled with adventure for a few days, and now it was
time to re-evaluate and re-commit myself
to my future.
Only, what is that future? What path will lead me to be the
most fulfilled, the happiest? Where is my happy place?
Right now, I have a plan A, plan B and plan C. I’m starting
to set new goals, and think about where I want to be after that birthday hits.
This isn’t a post about goals. My 2017 lessons and
accomplishments and 2018 goal review will be coming shortly, but not yet.
This is just a post about facing the next decade, finding
myself.
So many women go into empty-nesting, dreading it. They think
that the end of their offsprings childhood, will be the end of their lives. I
know it is just the beginning of mine.
Entering this new decade, it will be the first decade where
the only person I need to make happy, is myself. It will be the first decade
where my priorities are my own, and not what is best for my family, or those
around me.
But that’s okay. It’s time for it. I may find myself at forty, but I’ll be
fabulous at it.
