Thursday, March 24, 2016
adventures and life lessons of a super-woman: Slaying those dragons
adventures and life lessons of a super-woman: Slaying those dragons: It has been more than 90 days since I sat here in front of my laptop to tell stories about adventures or feelings. It's been more than 9...
Slaying those dragons
It has been more than 90 days since I sat here in front of my laptop to tell stories about adventures or feelings. It's been more than 90 days since I've chosen to reflect on who I am and where my path leads, both good and bad. Yet, here I am again.
I am sure that there are people who are wondering, have wondered, what types of adventures I was up to. What types of things I wasn't sharing. What glorious life lesson had I learned.
Let me tell you a story. I'll try to keep it brief as I know the average attention span of Americans today is three minutes.
This story is about a woman, who had lost everything. One of her best friends committed suicide two years earlier. She lost a god brother to heroin addiction, two sons, one to stupid bad decisions and one to the military to get sent several continents away. During that time, she switched jobs, from a job she loved, to a job she hated, in order to keep a house that her uncle who died had wanted her to have.
Are we following me so far? Does this girl seem familiar?
This woman at the beginning of January met a guy. This guy will go nameless, but she thought he was really something. Maybe because she had already lost so much in her life, in her mind she gave him super powers he didnt have.
Maybe in her mind, she gave him the superpower ability to heal her. Only, he didn't heal her. AS we all know, no one can really heal another person and it was only a short matter of time before he realized his inability to heal her and called it quits.
I will defend him and say, it wasn't his fault. He's a nice guy, not a bad guy. but one person cannot handle that much emotion.
I said some hateful words to him at the end, words he didn't deserve from my mouth.
So here's the truth. If you had met me a month ago, you wouldn't have recognized me.
The woman you all have known that went on adventures, and smiled a huge smile and couldn't wait to meet new people and learn new exciting things? She was gone.
She had been buried underneath a rubble of stress and sadness, grief, and anger. So much anger.
In her place was a woman that woke up, saw what time it was, looked at her phone and cried before rolling over to go back to bed.
In her place, was a woman who wondered, what it would feel like to just....not exist. Would it be dark? Would I be reunited with the loved ones I lost ?
And here, here it is. What I say is, don't judge this next part. You havent lived my story.
I drove around late one night, perfectly sober, but with the feelings and emotions as if I had drank a fifth of whiskey. I cried as I drove and text several people, desperate to reach out to any human contact that would hold my hand for a night.
As I drove, I thought, "I don't want anyone to be as angry at me as I was at my friend."
I started thinking about the letters I would write to the people who have loved me, begging them for forgiveness but telling them I couldn't take the hurt anymore.
I prayed to the God that I grew up learning about and asked him to just stop this hurt. I railed against him for letting me hurt so much anyway. I haven't been a bad person, what did I do to deserve so much pain and not deserve love
That thought of people being that angry at me, and hurting that much is what finally propelled me to call a counselor the next day.
And so here is another adventure. This adventure is a lot more subdued than chasing castles, or horseback riding. It isn't an adventure to the unknown. This adventure is an adventure in healing.
In the first two hour session, my counselor lifted something about my friends suicide off my shoulders.
For two years, I had walked around hating myself for not being there. I had walked around hating myself for not saving her. That has always been my job with the people I loved, wasn't it, to save them? To heal them?
For two years I had walked around with my head held down, knowing....I failed. I failed several of the people I loved with my inability to save them, from themselves and from life.
One session lifted that off my back. I won't go into full details about that session. Let's just say I ugly a river of tears and lifted my head just a little higher.
Fast forward a month. I've taken several steps on my own to begin healing. Including, switching jobs again. This time to a job I'm a little more comfortable with. It's not my dream job, but that will come with time.
I reconnected with an aunt that has been my emotional strength through most of my life. The last few months though, we hadn't been close and i felt like I had lost her in my life too. That day five hours of healing tears were cried.
The counselor says my emotions have been like a box. The box was full to overflowing and I couldn't cram anything else into them, but kept trying.
I kept not wanting other people to see what was in that box. I didn't want to burden people with that box. I didn't want to hurt people, or anger people.
I thought I was supposed to be the strong one. I was supposed to be the one that heals other people and takes care of other people. I am supposed to be the champion, the dragon fighter, the superhero in other peoples stories.
There's never been a time in my life when I wasn't able to do that, until all of these things.
These days, I look forward to jumping out of bed and finding my next adventure. I look forward to meeting new people and hearing their stories, and sometimes they are as interesting as mine.
Speaking of meeting people, as I unpack these old hateful and hurtful emotions, I am unpacking to make room for someone real in my life. To dive with both feet.
I know not who this nameless and faceless person will be, only that I am finally open to real possibilities and opportunities rather than giving it only mouth value with no action.
The pain, the grief, it is still there. There are still certain dates, hearing random phrases, or even not being able to hug my boys and tell them I love them anytime I want, that brings me to tears.
There are moments where there is still an overwhelming sadness, but they are moments, rather than entire days spend underneath a blanket begging for release from this world.
I know not what my next adventure will be, where I will go in this world. I still don't know what this next year will bring as even more changes are underway with my youngest son graduating.
What I now know, is I am my own dragon slayer. I am the superhero of my own stories. My smile is back. My hope and belief that good can overcome the evils of the world. I'm back.
Do you know what my first adventure was? My first adventure is the fact that for the first time in four months, I sat down and wrote these words.
I am sure that there are people who are wondering, have wondered, what types of adventures I was up to. What types of things I wasn't sharing. What glorious life lesson had I learned.
Let me tell you a story. I'll try to keep it brief as I know the average attention span of Americans today is three minutes.
This story is about a woman, who had lost everything. One of her best friends committed suicide two years earlier. She lost a god brother to heroin addiction, two sons, one to stupid bad decisions and one to the military to get sent several continents away. During that time, she switched jobs, from a job she loved, to a job she hated, in order to keep a house that her uncle who died had wanted her to have.
Are we following me so far? Does this girl seem familiar?
This woman at the beginning of January met a guy. This guy will go nameless, but she thought he was really something. Maybe because she had already lost so much in her life, in her mind she gave him super powers he didnt have.
Maybe in her mind, she gave him the superpower ability to heal her. Only, he didn't heal her. AS we all know, no one can really heal another person and it was only a short matter of time before he realized his inability to heal her and called it quits.
I will defend him and say, it wasn't his fault. He's a nice guy, not a bad guy. but one person cannot handle that much emotion.
I said some hateful words to him at the end, words he didn't deserve from my mouth.
So here's the truth. If you had met me a month ago, you wouldn't have recognized me.
The woman you all have known that went on adventures, and smiled a huge smile and couldn't wait to meet new people and learn new exciting things? She was gone.
She had been buried underneath a rubble of stress and sadness, grief, and anger. So much anger.
In her place was a woman that woke up, saw what time it was, looked at her phone and cried before rolling over to go back to bed.
In her place, was a woman who wondered, what it would feel like to just....not exist. Would it be dark? Would I be reunited with the loved ones I lost ?
And here, here it is. What I say is, don't judge this next part. You havent lived my story.
I drove around late one night, perfectly sober, but with the feelings and emotions as if I had drank a fifth of whiskey. I cried as I drove and text several people, desperate to reach out to any human contact that would hold my hand for a night.
As I drove, I thought, "I don't want anyone to be as angry at me as I was at my friend."
I started thinking about the letters I would write to the people who have loved me, begging them for forgiveness but telling them I couldn't take the hurt anymore.
I prayed to the God that I grew up learning about and asked him to just stop this hurt. I railed against him for letting me hurt so much anyway. I haven't been a bad person, what did I do to deserve so much pain and not deserve love
That thought of people being that angry at me, and hurting that much is what finally propelled me to call a counselor the next day.
And so here is another adventure. This adventure is a lot more subdued than chasing castles, or horseback riding. It isn't an adventure to the unknown. This adventure is an adventure in healing.
In the first two hour session, my counselor lifted something about my friends suicide off my shoulders.
For two years, I had walked around hating myself for not being there. I had walked around hating myself for not saving her. That has always been my job with the people I loved, wasn't it, to save them? To heal them?
For two years I had walked around with my head held down, knowing....I failed. I failed several of the people I loved with my inability to save them, from themselves and from life.
One session lifted that off my back. I won't go into full details about that session. Let's just say I ugly a river of tears and lifted my head just a little higher.
Fast forward a month. I've taken several steps on my own to begin healing. Including, switching jobs again. This time to a job I'm a little more comfortable with. It's not my dream job, but that will come with time.
I reconnected with an aunt that has been my emotional strength through most of my life. The last few months though, we hadn't been close and i felt like I had lost her in my life too. That day five hours of healing tears were cried.
The counselor says my emotions have been like a box. The box was full to overflowing and I couldn't cram anything else into them, but kept trying.
I kept not wanting other people to see what was in that box. I didn't want to burden people with that box. I didn't want to hurt people, or anger people.
I thought I was supposed to be the strong one. I was supposed to be the one that heals other people and takes care of other people. I am supposed to be the champion, the dragon fighter, the superhero in other peoples stories.
There's never been a time in my life when I wasn't able to do that, until all of these things.
These days, I look forward to jumping out of bed and finding my next adventure. I look forward to meeting new people and hearing their stories, and sometimes they are as interesting as mine.
Speaking of meeting people, as I unpack these old hateful and hurtful emotions, I am unpacking to make room for someone real in my life. To dive with both feet.
I know not who this nameless and faceless person will be, only that I am finally open to real possibilities and opportunities rather than giving it only mouth value with no action.
The pain, the grief, it is still there. There are still certain dates, hearing random phrases, or even not being able to hug my boys and tell them I love them anytime I want, that brings me to tears.
There are moments where there is still an overwhelming sadness, but they are moments, rather than entire days spend underneath a blanket begging for release from this world.
I know not what my next adventure will be, where I will go in this world. I still don't know what this next year will bring as even more changes are underway with my youngest son graduating.
What I now know, is I am my own dragon slayer. I am the superhero of my own stories. My smile is back. My hope and belief that good can overcome the evils of the world. I'm back.
Do you know what my first adventure was? My first adventure is the fact that for the first time in four months, I sat down and wrote these words.
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