Just to smile.

The feel of a Harley between my legs, the power of a horse, the horsepower of a fast car and the quiet ripple of any body of water that can so easily turn a roar. All of these things are powerful things that I use for therapy. For a few minutes they offer me the illusion that I'm in control of something. All of those powerful things have the ability to offer you therapy, or hurt you.

Sometimes love is that way. You can love people, but you know that by loving them, you're also giving them power. Sometimes you will have the illusion that you have control,over things, but the only thing you can control is your reaction, sort of like all of the above things mentioned.

Let's talk about yesterday.

Yesterday, I got screamed at, finished off some five year business that needed completed, watched someone I love stop breathing, got yelled at for something to do with that and watched my son graduate. Three of those things happened before noon.  In between there, I worked.
 
So yesterday, I also did something I've never done before. I screamed at god.

Yep, I know. I didn't say it was right

I told him the truth. I can't take anymore. My bricks have finally gotten too heavy.

See, I wish I could tell you more about the person that I watched stop breathing that sent me into hysterics. But somehow, even though I'm not naming names, Id get yelled at again.

What I will tell you is that I've never had anyone be proud of me before. Not really.

My relationship with my mom is at best, complicated, and I'm sure she's proud, but I also think I've always been an alien to her. Other family members say they're proud, but they do it in the vague "wow, I'm surprised you actually did it." sorta way.

Not this person. This person tells people, "she graduated top of her class, while she was working and going to school and raising a family.  She took a jobwith less money to get more experience and to follow her dreams. Look at her, she's done well even though she was handed a lot of crap"

Now imagine that person stops breathing while you're holding their hand. Imagine how powerless you would feel. Imagine how scared and panicked and...you get the point. That person is ....better today. and I'll leave it at that.

This morning, after I got done working, I made a last minutes split decision to go horseback riding.

"This will heal me," I thought. "This will make things right with the world for awhile." It did, for a couple hours, while I was out of reach of everyone.
I don't know how to explain to people that although I'm at best a mediocre rider, (I'd improve with practice) when I was a little girl, our church youth group leader was an equestrian police officer. He used to take a couple of us kids to the stables to see the horses and ride.

I felt safe there. I felt safe and those giant horses seemed to know me. They would sniff my hair in a way that made me feel they were kissing the back of my head to tell me it would be okay.Horses just sense things.

Alas, I had to come back to the real world. The world where my oldest son is still in trouble, where money problems still abound, where someone i love is still in the hospital, where someone else i love is still pissed at me and where sometimes I feel like nothing I do at my job is correct.

I came back to the world where my two younger kids are fishing with their dad and  where all of my friends are off on adventures with significant others or kids.

I came back to the world where I'm completely alone at a time when all I really want to do is lay my head on someone's lap and be told it's okay, that I'm going to be okay.

I want someone to remind me that I'm strong enough, that I'm tough enough.

The last time I got like this, only one person seemed to be able to bring me out of it. I can't turn to him now because his new girlfriend might protest. (hah, see I've still got my sense of humor)

Before that, when I got to places where I was completely alone, I buried myself in the arms of someone totally inappropriate that I knew at the end of the day didn't really give a rat's ass about me enough to tell you my true eye color.

I'm learning. It's a process, but I'm growing. 

During some of the things I've written for work in the last couple days, I've been reminded that it could be worse. There are people who have lost so much more than me. Maybe I'm just sad because I've lost so much in such a short period of time.

There are people who struggle more.Those people get up every morning and fight to become better people. They fight to find a better place in the world, to make the world a better place for the person beside them.

In the back of my mind, there was this insane idea to run away today. Take a job elsewhere and let other people deal with the issues here.

It was a wonderful little fantasy while it lasted. 

See in my family, both my families actually, the women stay in one spot and put down roots, and the men run off and have adventures and come home when they need the roots.

I'm struggling because I've never felt like the rooted one, the grounding force. Is it selfish that I want to adventure too while someone else deals with the crap?

Really, aren't most human emotions selfish?

Let's talk about grief for a minute.

Grief is a completely selfish, although understandable human emotion. Grief isn't about the person that's gone. They don't feel pain. It's about what we feel, what we lost, what our lives will be like without them.

Grief is about feeling sorry for ourselves because we can't hear the voice or hug a person we loved.

So what is my answer? How do I cure myself when Ive sunk so low? How do I stand back up straight when I realized today I feel so weighted that I was slumped while walking, like the world almost literally placed a load of bricks on my shoulder.

When two people I loved overdosed on heroin and I raged and raged and raged about their selfish actions, my uncle quietly hugged me and told me he knew I was hurting, but none of us understand completely the battle that someone else is fighting.

When I see you tomorrow, or the next day, I promise I will smile. I won't tell you about my problems, I will ask how your day is going and listen to any story you may want to tell me.

Tomorrow, I will wake up and be ready to fight again. 

If my words make one person be a little kinder to someone, if my words make one person wake up tomorrow and say "I can fight today." Then I've done my job.