New Fears and Beginnings

Most of the blogs that I've written have been about adventures. I've taken adventures to discover new places, and conquered fears. I still remember my first day as an intern, with the butterflies floating around my belly. I was terrified, but I took that deep breath and everything turned out fine.

After graduating I jumped right into my next challenge, NaNoWiMo month. For those that have no clue what that means, November is national novel writing month. You challenge yourself to write 50,000 words in a month. For the most part, I've taken to that challenge well. Apparently I have a lot to say.

I've also watched one of my best friends get married and had a big interview. I sat there watching her dance with her new husband, and wishing that maybe someday fate, or whatever it is will give me another chance to get it right.

Well the interview turned out well. The editor took me to lunch, and made sure to introduce me to superintendents of two of the local high schools. Make no mistake, I drilled all of those guys with questions, after all how many times have I been told "You ask too many questions."

He says I've got talent. Since his paper has won something like 55 awards, including the defense of the "Best Defense of the First Amendment" award from the Society of Professional Journalists, he might know talent when he sees it.

Today we had a short phone call. He expressed concern that I could make it financially on the wages, as the same time telling me that I'm talented and they'd love to have me. My uncle, the one whose advice I always take? He says "You can't climb up the ladder if you refuse to climb the first rung."

So why am I having problems catching my breath? Why does it feel like someone is pounding on my chest?

 This job is a huge paycut. It's enough of a paycut that I am aware that I would become one of "those people" who have to use the system for assistance to feed two teenagers. For the record, I know a few woman who are single mothers and work, that have to be "those" people to survive. They're doing what they need to do, and I will too.  It's just a little kick to the pride is all. I've never been drowning in money, but my paycheck to paycheck will get a little tighter.

It means moving my kids to a new school, somewhere where they don't know anyone. I'm not just starting over, I'm forcing them to too. This is my dream, but a part of me wonders if I gave up the right to dream when I had kids?

It means moving, four hours away from my best friends. I've built a tight support circle. Right now I know that if I want a roadtrip, or a cup of coffee, or even just someone to go clubbing with, or watch a new movie with, to watch a football game with, I can call my best friends and say "Let's go."

If I'm four hours away who will I call for those things? Will I make new friends and build those tight bonds that I've managed to build here? My family, their hearts are going to break. What's going to happen when I'm not a short distance away when I'm needed to help with Christmas dinner, or plan baby showers?

It means leaving behind a job I've been at for ten years. I won't miss the job or the politics, but there are people I'll miss. In ten years I've made friends.I've spent more time with my co-workers than I have family.  These people have laughed with me on good days, and listened to me rant on bad. They've created crazy nicknames for me, and been smiling faces that got me through when I wanted to rip out my hair. They've pulled crazy memorable pranks like wrapping me in bubble wrap, or putting my hoodie so high on a pole I couldn't reach it.

I know that there are many of those people I will never see again. I've lived away from "home" before, and when you make it back your days and nights are filled with demands of other people to spend time with you. 

There's a tiny part of me that wonders, what if talent isn't enough? What if I struggle with deadlines, or the pressure is too much?  What if the financial struggle weighs down my creativity, or if the kids hate the new school?

Even as I'm writing this, I'm sitting here looking around my home and overwhelmed at the idea of packing and unpacking. I'm overwhelmed at the idea of trying to find a new home four hours away. My pictures will be taken down and wrapped away, my dishes and nicknacks will have to find new homes and shelves.

I'm terrified, and thrilled. I'm happy while my heart breaks. I'm fearful but excited. I don't remember ever having this contrast of emotions raging inside of me.

When I started out 2013, I had a series of goals, finding a new job was my final goal before 2014. I just didn't realize how heavy that goal would weigh.